A Letter to My Friends and Family: An Anti-Suicide Note

Posted on May 13, 2013 by

Dear Friends and Family,

I was first diagnosed with depression and acute anxiety when I was twelve years old, and at seventeen I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I’ve been in therapy since then and have worked with many doctors and therapists over the years in order to find ways to treat my symptoms. In addition to therapy, medication, and occasional hospitalisation, I have also used alternative treatments such as acupuncture, reiki, meditation, and yoga. I exercise at least three times per week and I have a healthy, balanced diet. I enjoy these activities, as the sense of wellbeing I gain is crucial to my mental health and physical fitness.  I include this information not as a humble-brag, but as evidence of my commitment to keeping my symptoms in check.

No matter what I do, I still experience intense periods of depression, like I am now. Given how much of my life is devoted to preventing depression, I cannot help but feel that each of these episodes is a setback, which makes me feel as though I’m not successful, and that even my best efforts are fruitless. This is very painful. 

Another painful aspect of depression is its tediousness. Though my depressive episodes very in length and severity, my thought processes and feelings are basically the same in each case. They include, but are not limited to

  • If I were [stronger/more intelligent/more creative] I could easily overcome this. I’m just not good enough.
  • I am a failure and I will never succeed in any of my endeavours.
  • Because I cannot easily identify or appreciate the good things in my life, I am a bad person who is not worthy of love or compassion.
  • I am a burden to those who love me. They would be better off I were gone

These thoughts gain momentum over time, sometimes slowly and sometimes very quickly. In these instances I become overwhelmed and I feel that I’ve lost control. It’s hard for me to communicate during these times, even on a basic level. The thought of socialising makes me anxious, and I worry that being around you or telling you how I feel will somehow make it worse. I will often cancel plans with you because I worry that I will burden you with my pain. I would rather isolate and suppress my feelings, and this often makes them unbearable, sometimes to the point where I feel suicidal. Sometimes I act on these feelings out of desperation. I know that it’s selfish, self-centered, and ineffective, but the shame of behaving in that way is not always enough to make me stop and think about what I’m doing.

I understand that it hurts you to read those words. You may tell me that I don’t need to or shouldn’t feel the way that I do when I’m depressed because you don’t want me to continue to hurt myself by thinking that way. I wish that you wouldn’t say those things. I understand that you want me to stop beating myself up, but I need you to listen to, acknowledge, and accept what I feel. If you disagree or don’t understand, I want you to say so, but when you make a negative judgment about my feelings, you are actually hurting me more. I’m sorry if that upsets you, but I think it’s important that we be honest with each other.

There will be times throughout my depressive phase when I feel better. I will be able to laugh, enjoy your company, and take on responsibilities like grocery shopping, going to the bank, or working. This doesn’t mean the dark days are over. I will inevitably feel discouraged as soon as the bad feelings return. You can help me through this by giving me as much praise, encouragement, and support on the “bad” days as you do on the days when I am productive. Sometimes I can spend the whole day working or running errands and still manage to clean every room in the house, but other times it takes all my strength just to get out of bed and watch a made-for-tv movie. I know this sounds like a strange thing to congratulate me on, but right now I need to take it one day at a time.

If I have offended any of you, I am truly sorry. If you feel unappreciated, or unloved, I am very, very sorry. The sole purpose of this letter is to put some of my more persistent thoughts and worries into words, with the hope that it will help you understand what I’m going through and what my needs are. I love all of you and your friendship means everything to me. I have a feeling that together we might get through this. It may not be today, tomorrow, or the day after that, but someday, and maybe the next time this happens it won’t be as bad.

Yours,

Michelle

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The Graduate/The Princess and the IUD

Posted on April 12, 2013 by

“What is now proved, was once only imagined” – William Blake

Exciting times over here at Hexpatriate Command Central where I’m supposed to be “resting” because them’s the doctor’s orders. So far, sitting on the sofa all day has been pretty damn cool. If I could sit still for more than 20 minutes at a time under normal circumstances, I would totally do this more often. Now then, let’s go forward with the updating:

I graduated! This is a pretty incredible story. Since (barely) finishing high school, I’ve had literally hundreds of excuses to give up on the pursuit of higher education. It took six years to find the right school, and then once I did, it took me four years to complete a two year degree. I couldn’t have done it without an expert team of family, friends, mental health professionals, faculty, and staff to get me through all the obstacles and to see me through to the end. I hope you can all share in my pride and happiness. And speaking of class…

Image

What a perfect transition! Now, lest you think I post unsolicited hospital-related updates just for the attention of weirdos, let me qualify this one (caution: contains discussion of a gynaecological nature that is not appropriate for male relatives. you’ve been warned): for years I was on “the pill”  and it wreaked havoc on my mental state. It was only after I stopped that I began to experience longer periods of (relative) stability in terms of my mood. Ever since, I’ve been looking for a safe way to regulate my cycle that won’t turn me into a screaming, hysterical puddle of snot and tears each month.

I found an OB/GYN (or as the british say ‘obstangynae’) who heard my story (including my mental health issues) and recommended I get a mirena coil which—apart from being the most tragic waste of a Bond girl name ever—is a device that releases a hormone, but not the kind that made me lose my rag in the past.  I decided to give it a shot. The only catch was it needed to be installed (I can’t think of a nicer word) under anaesthesia, which requires needles and a hospital. Yikes! I was scared, but I did it anyway. My fears went straight out the window about 2 seconds after I got injected with the anaesthetic. I woke up after a dreamless sleep feeling a bit like somebody kicked me really hard in the C U Next Tuesday.

Tonight I still feel like somebody’s using my abdomen for soccer practice, but the doctor told me to stick with it for a few months and see what happens, so I’ll be doing just that, I mean somebody has to do this kind of research, right? What if there’s some other fancy bipolar lady who was too distracted to make an incredibly obvious connection that probably could have saved her years of grief and wants to look into some similar options? TOTALLY.

So that’s me, y’all. I hope you’re keeping it real, being good to yourselves, talking about your feelings, and making each other laugh. It’s the only way we’re going to get through this Game of Thrones-style winter that will probably never end.

Congrats and best wishes to my fellow graduates!

Posted in attitude, beauty, bipolar, embarrassing moment, found, gender, gratitude, happiness, healing, just plain crazy, love, research suggests, science, self-indulgence, Uncategorized, wellbeing, wellness | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

April Fool’s Update/Mad as a March Hare

Posted on March 31, 2013 by

Welcome back! It’s been far, far too long and I apologise for any inconvenience I’ve caused through my absence. It can’t be that bad, I haven’t lived stateside for about 4 years and you’ve sort of managed to keep it together without me. I’m on vacation so today’s post is no work of startling genius or poignant insight, however I feel I should give you something in the way of an update so here goes:
1) Took anti-depressants, rapidly fell further and further apart until I was convinced I would never smile ever again in my entire life
2) Stopped taking anti-depressants, gradually felt better.
3) Very happily returned to my hair/make-up training which has taken up a lot of the time I would normally spend counting my feet blogging and oh yeah
4) Very very happily reunited with my life’s eternal light, who returned from a month-long sojourn in the himalayas an hour late and 15 pounds lighter than I would have liked, but I couldn’t have been happier because Friends, I’ve never felt so loved, I’ve never loved so deeply, I’ve never been so very grateful to have finally found the right one. Yes, my new cashmere pashmina and I are very happy together, thankyouverymuch. Love you!

Anyway, moving on. Today’s post is a survey, which I used to loooooove doing back in the livejournal days. I nicked it from one of my personal she-roes, Kim at All Work and No Play Make Mommy Go Something Something
Thanks, Kim, as always, for being hilarious.
Here goes:

1)What were you doing ten years ago?
Uh….sitting in the Walt Whitman high school parking lot, weeping uncontrollably between classes? That sounds about right. I don’t know if there has been or will be a ten year class reunion (I’m probably banned) but at the time I assumed I would arrive via helicopter fresh off the set of my latest blockbuster, dripping in diamonds and graciously signing autographs and posing for photos. I guess divorced and unemployed isn’t too far off from that, in the meantime I’ll be planning my outfit for the 15 year reunion. Go wildcats! (Vikings? Whatever)

2) What are 5 things on your to do list?
I am at the end of a holiday weekend so…nothing, really. I already went to the laundromat (which in my ‘hood is turning into community service–but that’s another story for another day) and prank called my mom, which was admittedly a bit mean this year, but the April Fool’s Day Scaring of the Mom is a sacred Scofield tradition. Sure, it may shorten her life expectancy, but would she really trade a couple more years for all those huge laughs we had on her behalf? Of course not!

3) What are 5 snacks you enjoy? Only FIVE?? This obviously wasn’t written by an American. Unfortunately trader joes hasn’t made it to the UK yet–which is the only reason I’m still a US size 4–but they make almost all of the top 5: 1) yoghurt covered pretzels 2) chocolate covered raisins 3) dark chocolate bounty bars 4) banana chips 5) Doritos (nacho cheez, preferably as radioactive as possible)
4) Names some things you would do if you were a millionaire: First, I would buy these:

Screen Shot 2013-04-01 at 20.12.03

Then, I would give it all to my parents, who just celebrated 30 INCREDIBLE years of GLORIOUS marriage. Congratulations!!!
5) Name some places you have lived: my parents’ basement, New York, London.
6) Name some bad habits you have: procrastinating, over-buying cosmetics and toiletries (seriously, I need an antibacterial hand gel intervention), swearing, gossiping, unrepentantly watching absolutely hideous garbage television for hours at a time, not updating my blog often enough…

7) Name some jobs you have had: babysitter, lifeguard, research assistant, cocktail waitress, unpaid writer, stylist, person with bipolar disorder because sometimes being depressed is a g-damn full time job, y’all. No lie. Right now, tho? I’m feeling good, and I hope you are, too. I’ll catch up with you again in about a week or so once I’ve been to my real-life actual no-joke completely serious college graduation! In the meantime, keep being grateful for whatever or whomever put that over-satisfied smirk on your ugly mug and chase them happy feelings.

Big Kiss X

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Weekly Update: I’ll Be There…Or At Least I’ll Try

Posted on February 24, 2013 by

welcome back. I was going to wait till my current state of depression lifted, but A) I don’t know when that’s going to happen and B) It’s been a series of slow news days, so whatever, here’s my life:

1) After my latest hospitalization,  I decided it was time to go back on anti-depressants. This was not an easy decision, mostly because they impair my creativity and slow down my thought processes. I trade in my rapier wit and brilliant comedic timing in for some stability and a much-needed break from constantly struggling amidst the relentless, spiralling negative thoughts that threaten my ability to function. However, this time around, the drugs are not fucking working, and neither is anything else! The side affects are in full effect, but there’s no improvement on the depression front. I’m eating well, sleeping enough, keeping busy, exercising, and using all the tools and methods that I have endorsed time and again on this blog to help manage mood disorders and alleviate depression. Friends, I can no longer hide the fact that sometimes my life is nothing more than frantic search for a bathroom stall to cry in.

2) I’m sure I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating. The plus side to having a personal crisis is learning who your real friends are. Also if you’re really lucky you get a bitchin’ care package when your friend comes and visits you in the hospital:

IMG_0564 There are some lessons you have to learn the hard way, and since I’ve had to learn this many times over, I’m uniquely qualified to give you the best advice, so drill this into your brain. The sad truth is that most people are not able to deal with your problems, not necessarily because they don’t want to, but because they’ve got issues of their own that prevent them from being able to help you. Most people would rather ignore the problem than watch you suffer. Don’t take it personally, because unless you’ve done something horrible to them like leaving a spoonful of ice cream in the carton and then putting it back in the freezer, it’s really, really, really not your fault. Don’t do yourself the disservice of holding a grudge against them or beating yourself up when they disappoint you. Your real friends will be there for a long time, not a just a good time. Everybody else is a tourist in your life, and that sucks for them.

3) One of my real friends asked me an interesting question last week. “How do you know when it’s love?” I am possibly the worst person to answer this question, and since I don’t want to tell a beautiful, guileless 22-year-old girl that love is a slow acting poison that destroys you from the inside out, I gave her the advice that my former therapist bestowed unto me, which I promptly ignored at the time: Judge a man by his actions, not by what he says or doesn’t say. A man who loves you respects you, supports you, and embraces all that you are. He is generous, thoughtful, and sensitive to your needs. He listens. Most importantly, he makes you happy. He may not get it right all the time, but you’ll know whether or not he’s trying.

“But Michelle, what if that kind of guy is not my type? I love being emotionally blackmailed and never getting back what I’ve invested in my current relationship” (she didn’t ask this but I’m sure that’s what you’re thinking, I can hear you all in my head like a Greek chorus) Those qualities apply all “types” of guys. He doesn’t have to cry while watching The Notebook or instinctively know what brand of tampons you need in order to be sensitive. You’ll recognise the right kind of behaviour, or perhaps more importantly you’ll notice when it isn’t there and that will help you decide whether or not this guy is worth your time. And fellas, this goes for you, too. Any girl can muster a smile and feign interest in the photos from your recent camping trip to Venomous Snake National Park (seriously, guys, is travel some big competition that you’re not letting us in on?). You should really be looking for the one who invites you over on a weeknight, looks up from her smartphone long enough to ask how your day was, and actually listens to what you have to say rather than anxiously waiting for the first opportunity to jump in with her own complaints about that bitch who stole her diet coke. Cherchez le femme who takes an interest in your day-to-day life and occasionally offers to cook you a nice meal because communication is important and so is eating well.

So that’s my advice on friends and relationships, gleaned from years of experience completely ruining and being ruined by both. And despite how I’ve been feeling lately, I’m proud to say that after all these years I’m currently enjoying immense fulfilment and satisfaction in both areas.  So, you know, don’t give up because you can find the right people.

Be good to yourselves and hopefully I’ll see you on the other side sooner rather than later.

Posted in attitude, bipolar, depression, gratitude, happiness, healing, love, relationships, small victories, treatment, wellbeing, wellness | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

When Love Is Not Enough

Posted on January 24, 2013 by

I just finished reading an excellent novel that I picked up without thinking at Newark Airport on my way back to London. I rather enjoy what I call “airport literature”; whatever insipid, uninspired garbage that is currently on the bestseller list of whichever country I’m in at the moment, or some of the forgotten or less popular books by authors I really like. This book was neither, and a very pleasant surprise in many ways. The writing was beautiful, the story compelling, the characters so interesting and sympathetic that I was sad it was over. These moments of real connection to fictional characters happens so infrequently, but when they do I’m reminded that writing–whether it reaches its audience through books, films, television, or any other medium—is actually so important, and perhaps vital part of the human experience.

I’ll return for a moment to the novel. The character I felt closest to was an addict. His behaviours, actions, and even his thoughts, were all patterns I know very well, and my heart ached for him each step of the way through his doomed journey. I felt for him in a way that I have many times in my own life, across many relationships—romantic or otherwise– -with addicts.

One person in particular stands out in my memory. He had an arresting charm, a keen intelligence, a quick wit, and a kind, gentle nature. Falling in love with him was inevitable (or so it seemed), but loving him was perilous. When he was using, he turned into a totally different animal. Like a human grenade, he made everything into a traumatic event. He was volatile, angry, defensive, and totally out of control, and it didn’t matter who was watching. He humiliated me enough times that I had to constantly invent excuses for his behaviour, or for my absence. As soon as he came back down he became a vulnerable bundle of nerves, terrified that he wouldn’t make it through the next hour—let alone another day—without my help. It was never about me, really. I could have been anyone to him, but feeling needed was enough for me hang on.

I lived through this cycle many times over. He would use, we suffered through the consequences together, and when he returned I would carry him through half-hearted attempts at therapy or detox until he returned to his substance of choice. These incidents became increasingly dangerous for us both. While he waged a fierce battle between salvation and destruction, I had all but lost my foothold in what was left of my world. My dreams, my ideals, my friends, all the things I cared about were purely symbolic; the toll of a distant bell buoy on a black, restless sea.

He ended the relationship in a way that made it easy for me to hate him. I rode the wave of anger caused by this unspeakable betrayal for months until one day I felt the full impact of what had happened and I had a nervous breakdown. After taking everything—my pride, my self-esteem, my hope, my love, my life—he had finally given me freedom, and I had no idea what to do with it.

Though I will never again see his face, or hear his voice, or touch his hand, I know that he will appear again and again in my life, just like he did when I read the novel. He is neither my friend nor my enemy, but a lesson from my past, keeping me vigilant against others like him without holding me back from a healthier, greater love.

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Love Your Body All the Time

Posted on January 22, 2013 by

Fortunately, January is almost over, but before you start getting excited about February (which, let’s face it, is equally bleak and soul-destroying but also shorter and closer to March) let’s address our body issues. This is is normally the month that most “women’s interest” magazines fill with suggestions on how lose weight and get fit. In terms of content, these articles are really no different than the terrible advice the gossip rags dole out all year long. However, in January, the icing on the proverbial cake—which stays proverbial because who knows what would happen if you ate cake in January—is the fact that the editors rely on the hatred and despair that women feel toward themselves after the holidays. This post isn’t about slating the magazines, though they certainly aren’t part of the solution. The real problem is what we women do to ourselves—and each other—that makes it so easy to fall prey to these hideous schemes in the first place. 

I’ve had a similar BODyssey (see what I did there?) to most well-educated, polite, middle class white women. My weight has fluctuated, I’ve eaten emotionally and struggled with it, I’ve tried a few diets and given them up. I may get a lot of shit for this, but I am proud that I can honestly say that I love my body, and not just because I had a traumatic injury that left me in serious doubt over whether it would ever be the same again. Of course I’m not immune to “fat and ugly” days, I am still human after all.

Is this a popular opinion to express? Absolutely not. Is it common? Nope. But I feel that I’ve spent enough time hating the way I look that I’ve earned the right to spend the rest of my life loving it. And chances are, you have, too. If you don’t like the way you look, either work to change it (SO much easier said than done, I know but baby steps!) and if you really can’t change, work until you can embrace it.

Finally—don’t hate me—please stop sexting random dudes and posting hundreds of photos of yourself every single day on facebook that just happen to show your cleavage. It will never, ever make you happy. It’s like trying to fill an empty well of self-esteem. The only temporary satisfaction you can get is knowing that some asshole who you would never actually undress in front of –or worse, this asshole’s friends—will file it away in his wank bank for sporadic use. If you absolutely have to get that (temporary) validation, send it to someone who would at a minimum extend you the courtesy of buying you dinner first or at least a fro-yo.

…and if you really don’t buy what I’m selling, have the good sense to crop your face out of the photo and take it standing in front of the mirror. I’m not here to judge.

Posted in anxiety, attitude, beauty, confession, depression, eating or not eating, embarrassing moment, gender, happiness, small victories, Uncategorized, wellbeing, wellness | 1 Comment

The “D” Word

Posted on January 20, 2013 by

Kierkegaard said, ‘There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn’t true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true”. I was guilty of both. But I learned that the hard way. The hardest way.

Divorce is a death; its spectre lingers in the darkened corners and untested structures of my new life. It persists, though I have grieved it. I have wept, screamed, howled like a wounded animal. I have felt frightened, betrayed, and so horribly lonely that I was certain I’d reached the deepest despair.

There are families who are torn apart and assets lost and a slew of other obstacles that, by God’s good grace, I will not endure. I get good advice, legal and otherwise. I have friends and family who love and support me. I have a life. For all these things I am grateful and it’s because of these things that I move forward with courage.  I am a warrior. My heart is breakable, but my spirit is not.

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How to Fight Depression and Feel Fabulous: January Edition

Posted on January 16, 2013 by

It’s that time of year again (the worst time)! Today’s post is all about what to do when you feel like a wet bag of sand. Here some of the things that help me when I’m feeling low. I haven’t been paid to endorse any products or methods on this list, so you know I’m for real. If you try any of these and they don’t work, don’t give up! It took me years to discover some of these things. In most cases it’s a matter of trial and error but hopefully this will save you some time. In no particular order here are my most common complaints and some solutions:

1.  I’m hungry.

In brief: If you’re hungry, eat something. If you’re bored, find something else to do, like write a blog post. My weight has fluctuated a lot in ten years (some of which is related to meds) but it’s never been simply because of what I eat, it’s my relationship with food. Though I’ve made great progress, I still occasionally eat—or don’t eat—in accordance with my emotional state. I’m lucky in that I have always naturally been inclined to avoid eating garbage, but that doesn’t mean I turn my nose up at a bacon cheeseburger. I went on a date with someone who accused me of being a fatty for loving bacon cheeseburgers and he lived to regret it. We went to an Italian restaurant and he ordered a goddamn grilled chicken salad. Check, please!

2. I get a cold every other week and I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

One of my doctors says in general it’s best to get nutrients from food rather than supplements, but I’ve been told to take omega 3 supplements and vitamin C + Zinc. If I start to feel coldy/flu-y I take echinacea, but you can’t use it every day for weeks on end because it won’t work anymore.

3. It gets dark at 3pm and I don’t want to get out of my nice warm bed because I can’t face the day.

It’s overcast approximately 364 1/2 days of the year in England (if you don’t believe me, try spending any length of time here, even the sunny days have moments of cloud cover). My UV lightbox is clunky, heavy, and old enough that I can’t even find another one on amazon, but I still give it a hug every morning because I wouldn’t get out of bed without it. 

4. I’m tired. All the time.

You need to have a routine or you will spiral further and further into depression. Try to wake up at the same time every day, even if you have a late night. One of my doctors told me you can always take a nap, but not after 4pm. She also says avoid caffeine after 4 unless you want to throw caution to the wind and get a diet coke on the rocks. WORK HARD/PLAY HARD. Also, exercise, and I don’t mean once a month, but if that’s all you can manage right now and you gradually work your way up, you just earned yourself a big high five from me.

5. I’m lonely and sad and no one loves me.

…probably because you’re so much fun to be around! Yeesh. This is a tough one because you are the only person who has ever been depressed, ever, in the history of the world and nobody understands you. You have permission to take one day to feel sorry for yourself; one day to wrap yourself in your blankie/duvet, eat cookie dough, and watch Arrested Development. Tomorrow you’ve gotta wake up with the birdies, crank up your spotify playlist with all your guilty pleasures on it, and do something nice for yourself that involves getting out of the house. Don’t go blowing your rent money on a hiring a yacht, but get a manicure or something. Whatever you do, don’t do something that will make you feel worse, like getting drunk or asking one of your more judgmental friends to help you decide what clothes to keep or sell on ebay/give to charity. Sand-blasted jeans will come back in style, it’s only a matter of time! 

For real though: I don’t mean to be flippant at all, I try to face these things with as much humor as I can manage, but I have had very, very bad days that have required urgent medical attention. If you feel very depressed, suicidal, or in any way unsafe, please contact your doctor immediately or go to your nearest hospital.

Happy Wednesday!

Posted in alternative medicine, anxiety, attitude, bipolar, depression, eating or not eating, gratitude, happiness, healing, insomnia, research suggests, SAD, small victories, treatment, wellbeing, wellness | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

13 New Goals for 2013

Posted on January 3, 2013 by

I struggled to come up with a good way to start off the New Year. On New Year’s Eve, I started writing lists about 2012, but I didn’t publish any of them. I started with a list of things I’m grateful for (too sentimental), things I accomplished (too short), and things I learned (too depressing). Ultimately, I left it too late and since 2012 is SO OVER, it’s time for me to move along. And so, without further ado, here are my 13 Goals for 2013, because I’m so tired of your bullshit one-size-fits-all “inspirational” infographics telling me I’m doing something wrong. Here are some totally manageable goals for this year, and if I don’t get it right, I’m still going to try. I want to thank all of you who are still reading this and I wish you a happy new year!

1) take responsibility. I had a conversation with a friend about this yesterday. There is nothing more empowering than taking responsibility for your life. I spent many years convinced that bipolar disorder was running (and ruining) my life. I know how that feels, I really do, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Even when you feel like you don’t have any power, nothing—not even your crazy brain—can take away your freedom of choice. Embrace that.

2) forgive myself. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I’ve done some things I’m not proud of. However, if my past is anything to go by, beating myself up only leads to even more bad decisions. Enough guilt, enough regret. Accept responsibility for what I’ve done, admit it if I fucked up, then move on. 

3) forgive others. I’m actually a very patient person, and I don’t hold grudges, but I do have reason to strongly dislike certain people. It doesn’t make me feel good, it doesn’t change my relationship with them, it doesn’t improve the situation. It’s so much more fun to laugh at them when they’re not looking. I never said I wanted to be perfect!

4) continue be grateful. I got an app on my phone that reminds me every day to write down what I’m grateful for, and it’s awesome. Sometimes I forget, and sometimes I don’t feel ‘grateful’ for anything, but it forces me out of whatever I’m doing and makes me smile, because even on my worst day, I have a lot to be thankful for. 

5) take care of the body. I’m not going to preach to you about exercise, especially this time of year, but I am going to continue to maintain the exercise routine that has improved my mind, body, and soul in the past year.

6) take care of the mind. I can’t stress this enough. The only way to cope with mental illness is by managing it. If you don’t have time to be sick, you must make time to be well. Easier said than done? Of course! It took me ten years to even begin to figure it out, but friends, if I can do it, you can, too! seriously.

7) learn to love to cook as much as I love to eat. As you may know, I catered a film shoot without really knowing how to cook. It was actually a great feeling to cook for others, but I haven’t done much cooking since then. It’s a slightly depressing thought now that I’m on my own, but I think learning a new skill is always a good thing. Anybody have a spare dishwasher?

8) face my fears. In 2012 I confronted a lot of my fears and overcame obstacles that I had allowed to hold me back for years. I intend to continue challenging myself personally and professionally, and l resolve to look for opportunities and solutions rather than build barriers to my success.

9) insist that others treat me with respect. I am no longer going to make myself vulnerable in a way that encourages others to take advantage of me or disrespect me. This means saying “no” more often, standing up for myself, and refusing to be a victim.

10) improve communication with friends and family. I am extremely lucky to have great relationships with friends in different parts of the world. I suffered a lot last year because I didn’t ask for help when I needed it. I want to be a more supportive friend to the people I care about and I want to be able to draw on their strength in order to help myself.

11) learn to love myself. Despite being far down on the list, this is a top priority. I have struggled with this my entire life. This year I don’t want my self-worth or self-esteem to be determined by what other people think or feel about me. I want to feel from within that beautiful, strong, and loveable, no matter what. 

12) be honest. With myself and others. I’m going to listen more, write more, and talk more.

13) heal. I know that this is the last item on the list but it is actually a top priority. As a result of the breakdown of my relationship, I’m going through a lot and it’s very painful. I will do whatever it takes to heal and carry on with my life. 

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Never Depressed in Budapest

Posted on December 17, 2012 by

It’s kind of amazing what a little change of scenery can do for the mind, especially one like mine. My winter holiday break finally arrived, and—thanks to a beautiful, generous, dear dear friend of mine—I was able to kick it off in Budapest. My first visit to Budapest was nearly ten years ago, so this time around I got to see and experience quite a lot of new things. It was a short but very sweet visit that lifted my spirits. Here are some highlights, because everyone knows that the most exciting thing you’ll ever look at are somebody else’s vacation.

Eat. Hungarian food suits the cold weather like nothing else I’ve tried. My friend’s grandmother is an excellent cook who served up delicious staples of Hungarian cuisine, none of which I can spell or pronounce. The night before I left we enjoyed cakes at Gerbeaud Cafe.

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Pray. No winter holiday visit to Budapest is complete without a trip to St. Stephen’s Basilica. It’s beautiful inside and out, even when cloaked in fog. I was disappointed that I didn’t get to see the famous dead hand, but not every trip I take has to include necrotourism. Just most of them.

The Old Synagogue at Dohany Utca is another must-see tourist site. The gardens are a beautifully simple yet fitting memorial to those who were lost throughout Hungary’s troubled history (yes, I’m glazing over some incredibly hideous shit, but this is supposed to be a primarily upbeat post).


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Shop. The Christmas Market on St. Stephen’s Square features all the local folk art, food, clothes, accessories and bric-a-brac you could ask for. The lights are pretty, most people are in a good mood, and if you’re very lucky you can grab yourself a bargain. Okay, it’s not that hard, if I can do it, you definitely can!

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Think. Though The Museum of Terror is definitely not for the faint of heart nor the claustrophobic, it’s a compelling journey through the past and the best European history lesson I’ve ever had.

Relax. Freezing cold? Rainy? No problem! Pack a bikini for a trip to the Széchenyi thermal baths. An outdoor swim in any kind of weather is the perfect way to end a busy day of sightseeing. This is also a great venue for people-watching, but avoid couples who are getting up to more than they ought to in the darkened corners.

Film. Located in the middle of nowhere and covered in a blanket of icy snow, Korda Film Park is both a museum and working film studio. A two-hour guided tour gets you a brief history of filmmaking, complete with big clunky machines and optical illusions, as well as a visit to the backlot (fake NYC) and the current set of Showtime’s The Borgias (fake Italy).

old film projectors. I think

old film projectors. I think

a piece of The Borgias' set

a piece of The Borgias’ set

Love. I’m all for travelling solo when the situation calls for it, but the best way to enjoy this city is with someone you love, especially a close friend.

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